Feeling a little bored with your love life? Yearning to heat things up and do some of the wild and crazy things you’ve been reading about, or overheard others bragging about? Then it’s time to look at how to bring out the inner kink in you and your wife. First, however, it’s important to cover a few simple ground rules:Kinky Sex, Erotic Videotape, Bondage...
When I say “kinky” what comes to mind? Bondage? Making an erotic videotape of you and your lover? Outdoor sex? For each person reading this the answer is probably going to be different, because each of us has our own idea of just what the heck is or isn’t kinky. To some poor souls oral sex is too kinky to consider (both giving and receiving), and sadly many women still feel the idea of masturbating for their own pleasure (or yours) is too kinky too.
Then there’s also the phenomenon that both men and women are guilty of – and that is that our tolerance for “kinky” increases depending on how turned on we are. So face the facts, letting your girlfriend tie you up and have her way with you (strap on dildo optional) might sound scary when you’re stone cold sober in the light of a boring work day, but it might really do it for you when you’re all hot and bothered. Now’s the time to face those places your mind goes when you’re really turned on.
Kinky Sex, Mind Blowing Sex
Here’s one of the interesting facts about those with very hot, very kinky sex lives that I’ve discovered in my research – those who have mind blowingly crazy sex are a) great communicators about their wants and needs b) they take responsibility for making it happen. People (and I mean both men and women here) who have amazing sex lives (the sort that would make us drool with envy) take their sex lives very seriously and they make sure to make what they want happen by communicating very honestly with their partners and taking all of the necessary steps to learn what they need to learn in order to make what they fantasize about happen. There is, after all, an art to tying all of those bondage knots.
So if you’ve got something new you want to try out you’re going to have to speak up about it, but we’ll get into how to go about speaking up a little bit later…
Tell Your Lover What Your Fantasy Is
Some people, perhaps because they feel so totally repressed and ashamed of their desires, take them way too seriously. When they finally do screw up the courage to tell their lover what their fantasy is, they expect things to work out perfectly the way they have been in their head.
Okay, so sex rocks, right? But whenever you’re trying out something new there is a good chance something won’t go as planned or hope for. Be able to let go and laugh about it. And also be able to reflect back and talk about what happened and how it can go better next time.
Share Your Sexual Pleasure
We can get so turned on by our fantasies and desires we forget sexual pleasure has to be a two way street if we really want a successful sex life. The pleasure receiving can only be lopsided for so long before one party starts resenting the other and a massive traffic jam brings your sex life to a grinding halt.
If you want your lover to try new things with you you’ve got to make sure she’s going to have a good time as well. Don’t assume your fantasies and desires are going to thrill her as much as they thrill you. Men get into trouble with this all the time – they assume that their own desire for a woman, and what they want the woman to do, is enough for the woman to be turned on and sexually thrilled. It’s a lazy assed cop out, don’t fall into it.
Don’t know what will thrill your gal in return? Ask. The more sincere you are, the more you’re really open to learning, the easier it’ll be for her to open up and share…and as the two of you begin to feel more secure and easy about opening up your erotic imagination together the hotter it’ll get.
Here’s probably one of the most important points of about creating a really hot sex life and upping the kink meter – make sure you don’t have a double standard with women. A quick way to have your lover shut down, and not want to try new things, is to expect her to take all the risks and for you to sit back and watch. If you want her to put on an erotic strip tease and give you the lap dance of your dreams what are you willing to do in exchange? If you want her to let you have anal sex with her, you’d better be willing to have your back door explored as well, and need I say that the same thing goes for any tying up?
And, guys you’ve got to get rid of any whore/Madonna complex you’ve got going on if you want to have a really steamy erotic sex life. Categorizing women this way will only come back to bite you in the ass. You can’t expect a woman to open up to you, and explore hidden aspects of your mutual sexuality if you’re going to judge her for it after all is said and done.
Okay, so now that we’ve laid the ground rules let’s look at how exactly you can bring in the kink and unleash your inner hedonist:
The Big Secret About Kinky Sex - Ease Into Things
Chances are if you’ve been having regular relatively normal missionary style sex with your lover (with a little oral sex for both parties thrown in for extra thrills) and suddenly you tell your lover you want her to dominate you completely and walk around with you on a leash at sex clubs she’ll probably freak out a bit. Actually she might freak out a lot. If you want to succeed at kinky sex, and your lover or wife or girlfriend hasn’t been offering suggestions in that directly already, you need to ease into things a bit slowly while you test the waters and let her get use to the idea. Let me give you examples of how this can work:
You Want Her to Wear Kinky Fetish Lingerie and Clothing (or just sexy lingerie in general)
If she doesn’t already own a pair of thigh high platform boots, or a corset that gives her a wasp waist, or anything sexier than a pair of white cotton boy style briefs, your girl is either a bit repressed, she doesn’t see herself that way, or she’s a bit cheap.
Good lingerie and fetish wear is expensive, and if you’re the one hankering for her to wear it you’d better be prepared to spend some cash. But you’ve got to move forward with tact and taste. Start by showing her some of the more “normal” but sexy types of lingerie you’d like to see her wear from magazines and the Internet. Get her feedback. Ask if there’s anything she’s secretly wanted to try on but has been afraid to look silly or extravagant.
Make things fun. Plan a day to go shopping together (and yes, men can usually go into the dressing rooms at the seriously sexy clothing stores). Just know in advance how hot and bothered it’s going to make the both of you.
Now, if what you really want to see her in are stockings and a garter belt sans panties (and don’t we all) or a pvc mini dress (also sans panties) start talking about it well in advance. Let her get use to the idea. Let her work it over in her mind and move from being a bit frightened by the idea, to being turned on by it. You can even make a game of it. Why not dare her to wear something really sexy (which you buy) and if she goes through with it you have to wash her car, or something else she’s asked for that you’ve flaked on or ignored? And if she flashes you in public (like while getting out of the car) then she gets extra brownie points.
You Want Her to Masturbate For You
Shocking but true, even in our modern times there are plenty of women who just don’t masturbate, or just won’t admit to it if they do. Unfortunately in the minds of many women it’s an embarrassing and risqué thing to do. If this is your lover, and especially if she’s having trouble experiencing orgasms with you, you need to let her know that she didn’t come with an instruction manual when the two of you started getting naked together. Only by her being brave and showing you exactly what she does to get herself off will you learn the sort of touch and technique that will help you do the very same thing.
You Want Her to Try Sex Toys
While many women love sex toys there are quite a few who either never though they needed to try them, or are just too embarrassed to give them a go. The main thing to focus on is that sex toys are suppose to bring more fun and pleasure into the bedroom, not replace a lover.
One of the best ways to bring toys into the bedroom is to let her know you’re looking for ways to enhance her pleasure rather inferring that you’re bored with your love life together (even if you are). Spend time doing some research (taking her sexual needs into account) and then show her a few toys that you’ve earmarked to get her feedback on. Great toys to start with are those that help with G-spot stimulation for more intense female orgasms.
You Want Her to Indulge in a Fantasy With You
Let’s review just what the heck a fetish is in the first place. Here’s what the Merriam-Webster’s dictionary has to say:
b : an object of irrational reverence or obsessive devotion : c : an object or bodily part whose real or fantasized presence is psychologically necessary for sexual gratification and that is an object of fixation to the extent that it may interfere with complete sexual expression.
As you can see, for some of us a fetish is something that just makes us hot and bothered (like a fine ass, or beautiful pair of breasts) but for some of us we can only experience sexual pleasure and gratification via a particular act or if a particular object is involved (say a wicked pair of stilettos).
Obviously the first sort of fetish is far easier to open up and share about than the second, but sooner or later you’re going to have to be open about your desires and needs. Again, moving slowly and carefully into kinky sex is better than dumping your secrets on a lover all in one rushed event. She may surprise you and be totally open and into whatever it is that you are drawn to (she might, after all, be dying to spank you), but put yourself in her place and recognize that we tend to think our own sexual needs and desires are relatively normal while those that differ from our own are pretty darn weird.
The Kinky Sex Payoff
It’s not that hard to heat up your love life with kinky sex if you’re willing to play fair, communicate, and take responsibility. Your lover may know you quite well but she can’t read your mind, especially since human beings are constantly growing and changing – even in regards to our sexuality and what turns us on. You’ve got to let her know exactly what it is you’d like to try and also why it’s in her best interest to do so…and it goes without saying (though I have and I will) that you’ve got to be open to her sharing the same information with you. Double standards are a sure way to keep you in dullsville, or even get you dumped.
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